mogget_cat | Visiting Svava

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It's been nearly a week since his nightmare.

Some time late in the afternoon, Yrael pads on bare feet down the corridor to the familiar door of Svava and Archie's home.

Yrael knocks the same way he always does, two evenly-spaced knocks at chest-height. Never too loud, in case Moira is asleep.

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"And I do!" he says, frustrated. He nearly upsets his glass of milk. "I do want to be worthy of trust, but I don't want to lose who I am in the process."

That is what he fears the most.

"It goes against my very nature to put so much power over myself into the hands of others. It has led to nothing but pain for me in the past."

Yrael shakes his head and looks away, as though he could set the toaster on fire by scowling at it hard enough. "There are those I don't want to see harmed, especially by me." The rest of the universe can go hang. "I would have them be able and willing to trust me not to harm them, either by intent or by accident."

She only moves far back enough to give him room- otherwise Svava is not leaving.

"If I had a way to go back to deal with those who harmed you- I would. You didn't give them that power, they took it and abused it. They made you a prisoner, which no one deserves." She sighs quietly, shaking her head.

"You're not a prisoner, Yrael. Not here, not anymore. No one here will take anything from you without your consent. Friends wouldn't take anything anyways."

A careful nudge moves his glass of milk next to her cup of tea.

"Have you ever thought about how much power you have over me? And other people who are your friends?"

"Then why does it feel as though I can't move?" He grimaces. "It is as though I am being changed again, despite myself. I must be spending too much time in these shapes that are not mine. This is my home, but I sometimes feel as though I cannot breathe here, if you follow the metaphor." After all, he doesn't breathe.

"I felt it when I was making Axel's heart, the chains that one wears on one's heart, connecting one's heart to the hearts of others... I am not a creature fashioned to wear such." So he balks under their hold, like Free Magic under the hold of the Charter.

The making of Yrael's own heart is a much more organic process than the making of Axel's heart, but is no less painful.

He looks up at her, head tilted, the frustrated look still on his face, tempered with slight bewilderment. "Why should I have power over you?" Yrael has never had power over anyone.

Svava raises an eyebrow at him.

"You are my friend, Yrael. We talk, I listen to you, I think on what you say. I do things, it affects you, and how it does also then affects me. You get upset, I worry. You're happy, so am I. And I would bet anything- anything that the same goes for all the rest of your friends." She smiles wryly.

"You see having friends as people having power over you- because you care and are affected by them. But it isn't just one way, if you must think of it as 'power'. You have power over us as well."

He blinks at her, lost for a moment, then smiles slightly. "That was my first clue, when I felt myself being affected by others, you know. That other people being happy made me happy. I couldn't stand the thought of others controlling my emotions."

That... seems like a long time ago, now.

"I never thought of the reverse being true."

Svava chuckles quietly, and reaches up to ruffle Yrael's hair.

"That's friendship. Its not control or power- at least, it shouldn't be. It's give and take. Or don't you think I haven't been worried about you, specially with that nightmare?"

"I thought you would be concerned, yes, but I did not think about it any further. I wanted to come by and apologize for causing you to be concerned about me."

He sighs, relaxing against her hand and looking oddly old. "I don't want to cause my friends concern or harm. I would much rather help avert harm from them. What do I have, besides my friends and my home, after all?"

She reaches for her cup of tea, leaning back against Yrael. "You can apologise, but there's nothing to apologise for. I'm always going to care and worry about you- its too late to change that."

"And you'll find that's all we have, really. No matter where a person lives."

"It worries me, sometimes," he admits, resting his head on hers, "to think that, were I forced to choose, I would choose my friends over the freedom I sought so long."

Yrael continues, quietly. "But... I think I've realized, now. To be completely free is to have nothing left to lose."

"No home, no friends, nothing." She shakes her head.

"You're not free, and those things aren't free- they all have a price. But I know that I for one am willing to pay it, over and over." Quietly. "And its not a choice they ever let you have, before."

"I..." he starts, but pauses. Deciding this does not stop him from hurting. It only sets him on the path.

"I am glad to have that choice, now."

"And for the chance to learn how to make that choice."

He has been set on the path, but it is up to him to walk it.

Svava smiles faintly, putting her arm back around Yrael. "It- its not something you'll figure out overnight. They cheated you of it before- but now, you have friends and family and a home. You have that chance, now."

She finishes her cup of tea, then grins at Yrael. "... You also have the chance to watch over Moira tomorrow?"

After a moment, he smiles at her. It's still hesitant, and not his automatic, relaxed smirk. In a way, that hesitation makes it a truer smile than what it would have been.

"I would be glad to, my friend."